An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all working on the same building site together, and they always stopped at the same time to eat their packed lunches. One day the Englishman opened up his plastic lunch container and screamed, “Oh, no, not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches again, I’m seriously going to kill myself.”
The Scotsman opened his lunch box and, like the Englishman screamed. “Oh no – salmon sandwiches again! If the wife makes me these one more time, I’m going to kill myself”
The Irishman then opened his lunch box and exclaimed loudly, “ Holy Mother of God! If I have cheese sandwiches once more, I tell you, I’m going to kill myself.”
Next day, lunchtime came round again. The Englishman opened his sandwiches only to find ham again. With a loud cry of “
Ham sandwiches, I can’t bear them any more!” he ran along the roof of the building and flung himself off, falling ten floors to his
death.
The Scotsman then opened his lunch box, found salmon sandwiches and screamed, “Oh no, salmon again. I can’t bear it any more!” and in turn flung himself off the building to his death.
Finally, the Irishman opened his lunch box and, faced with the prospect of Irish cheddar sandwiches yet again, he leapt off the roof to his death.
At the funeral for the three men, held a week later, the three widows were weeping together. The English wife said, “I don’t understand. I thought he liked ham.” The Scotsman’s widow sobbed, “I don’t understand it either. Jack would have said
something if he really didn’t like salmon.” Finally the Irish wife sniffed loudly, “I just don’t understand Paddy’s behaviour at all – he always made his own sandwiches!”
A pleasant trip
An Englishman who was in France on a short visit wanted to go back to England. He had only enough money to pay for his ticket. As he knew that the trip would take only two days, he decided that he could live without eating those two days. So he bought a ticket and got on the ship. When dinner time came, he was very hungry, but he said he was not hungry. In the evening he was even more hungry, but when the waiter came to ask him to have supper, he said he was seasick, and he went to sleep hungry. The next morning the Englishman felt half-dead with hunger: “I shall eat”, he said to himself, “even if they throw me into the sea”. So when dinner time came, he went to the dining-room and ate everything that was on the table before him. When dinner was over, he quickly got up and went to his cabin.
In the evening when the ship was not far from London, he ate his supper and said to the waiter. “Bring me the bill for my meals.”
But the waiter asked: “What bill?”
“For the dinner and supper I ate.”
“But you paid for your meals when you bought the ticket”, answered the waiter.
Scottish Character and Humour
The Scottish people have a reputation according to which they are the stingiest people on earth. This is not true, of course, as anyone who visited Scotland will tell you. The Scottish people are very clever and simple, and they also have a natural sense of
humour.
One Friday a farmer’s wife went to town as usual to sell her butter and eggs. “What are you giving for a dozen of eggs today?” she asked the grocer. “Sixpence,” was theshort reply.
“Sixpence a dozen! That is a very small price indeed!”
“Yes, but we grocers had a conference yesterday, and we decided that we could not give more than sixpence for the eggs.”
The farmer’s wife shook her head very sadly but accepted the price and went away.
Next Friday the farmer’s wife came to town as usual. When the grocer looked at the eggs he said,
“Your eggs are very small this week.”
“Well,” she said, “our hens had a conference yesterday, and they decided that sixpence is such a small price that they must not try so hard to lay large eggs for it.”
- The funniest jokes are those that Scottish people tell about themselves. Listen to one of them. A Scottish gentleman was spending his holiday in Vienna. The town was very beautiful and his guide was a very beautiful young lady too. She was his guide in the town and in the country. “I will have the best memories of her,” he thought. Before he left he decided to give her some present to thank her for her kindness. He wanted to be sure that the present was something that she liked and he asked her what presents she liked best of all. “You know very well” she said, “that I like to look beautiful and to put on beautiful things. Give me something for my neck, for my ears or my fingers!” Next morning the Scottish gentleman appeared with a present – a diamond ring? A gold bracelet? – No, a piece of soap!
- A Scotsman, an Englishman and anIrishman were caught shoplifting in Paris in the year 1789, and were condemned to the guillotine. The Scotsman lay down on the scaffold with his head on the block, the executioner pulled the handle, and nothing happened. The blade was stuck. The Scotsman was let off, and staggered away in relief. When the Englishman lay down, exactly the same thing happened. Then it was the Irishman’s turn. But before putting his head on the block, he tapped the executioner on the shoulder. “I can see what’s wrong”, he said. “If you’d only tweak out that bit of twig blocking the pulley, she’ll come down as sweet as you like.”
- An Irishman once served in an army in India. He didn’t like the climate there and decided to think of a trick by which he could go home. He went to the doctor and said to him: “My eyesight is very bad, can you help me?” The doctor looked at him and asked: “How can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?” The Irishman looked about the room and last said: “Well, doctor, can you see that nail upon the wall?” “Yes,” said the doctor. “Well,” said the Irishman, “and I can’t.”
- A Scotsman was once travelling in a railway compartment, whose only other occupant was an Englishman. He lit a cigarette, leaned back in his seat and was thinking. Suddenly the other began to fumble in his pockets asin search of something. Not finding what he wanted, he said, “Would you oblige me with a match, sir?” The Scot took one match out of his box and laid it on the seat beside the Englishman. Still continuing to fumble, the latter said, “Well, that is annoying. I’ve left my cigarettes at home.” “If that is so,” said the Scot, stretching out his hand, “you won’t need the match.” And he put it back into his pocket.